April 29, 2006

Fight Club speak- Confessions of a deranged mind

What happens when you have been living without identity for your entire life save the past few months. You crave affirmation from time to time, the cocaine that reassures you that this is the life you deserve and ought to strive for. You look around for it in the beginning in food, television, fantasies, every lazy indulgence which you have taken refuge in. You watch movies like fight club expecting vicarious pain to bolt you out of the nauseous stupor that suffocates you, slowly numbing you….And you think of all the opportunities that you have missed. You wish that you were harder in mind and spirit. But you are not. You are the ever pervading dark spirit that is never acknowledged. The leper that everyone hides within himself fearing the consequences of giving vent or even expressing the uncontrollable energy that strains against the barriers that you have placed with society’s sanction. And you don’t know what the hell you have to do to feel alive again. But you can’t find the strength to be alone. Since you choose your identity from the people that surround you, you feel deprived of air and slowly decay. Even the same kinds of people don’t satisfy you. And you imagine your deliverance in the hands of the one person you can’t get to or ignore. Nemesis. I want to breathe.


P.S.- Inspired by Edward Norton's character in Fight Club

April 21, 2006

Exam Fallout

Date:21 April
Time:
Some where around 6.40
Place:Computer Center
State:Bleary eyed and jobless

Just realised what the survivors might have felt after a nuclear explosion. My bad example stands to prove the utterly vegetative state of mind I'm in right now. S6 exams just got over. My brain needs a massive reconstruction operation. The rules that guided my actions for about two weeks just got defunct and I am now without purpose.
Just when you expect a feeling of release and look forward to making the most of the rest of your time comes the hangover. It's a damned nuclear fallout and the part that felt that you should be having fun right at this moment barely manages to stay awake. Your head feels like its flushed of all worries. Maybe someone flushed everything else along with it. A marginalised existance when you only feel the urge to eat, sleep, and the slowest music you might have ever heard keeps playing in your head again and again and again.
I need to find a hobby....

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